


i hope in your head, you see me instead.

by ninetysfunk



Series: stories by songs. [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drinking to Cope, Excessive Drinking, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Moving On, Post-Break Up, Reminiscing, Smoking, Substance Abuse, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, but not really lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:34:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21607627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninetysfunk/pseuds/ninetysfunk
Summary: Mark knows that he's lost Donghyuck forever when he sees him wrapped around someone else, but he's still holding on.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Mark Lee & Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: stories by songs. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1613065
Comments: 1
Kudos: 43





	i hope in your head, you see me instead.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This story is inspired by Lookalike by Conan Gray, I recommend listening to it while reading. I'm sorry if this is written badly I didn't proofread I just wrote what I felt and here I am!

Mark knew as he walks towards the front door of Johnny’s house that he should just turn back, away from the blaring music, away from the bodies of people he wasn’t exactly fond of, away from the people he could barely consider friends, away from the possibility of a terrible hangover.

But yet there he was, on his friend’s front porch, he hesitates to open the door and turns around, As soon as he was going to walk away from the party, the door opens, the loud music drones into his ears as the scent of cigarettes, alcohol and other  _ things _ , lingered in the air. He turns around, hands buried deep in his pocket and sees, none other than Johnny standing there, a pack of cigarettes in his hand.

“Mark?” Johnny calls out, a smile forming on his face as his friend turns around, “You came! I never would’ve thought you did…”

Mark feels the pat on his back, smiling weakly back at the taller, “Yeah, I did.”

“Smoke?” Johnny took out a stick from his pack, motioning it towards Mark who stares at it for a second.

He hadn’t smoked in months, but he decided to throw away all of his progress just for one night. And plus, his heart was aching badly, he needed something to numb it. So, he takes the stick and lights it up, inhaling the tobacco and blowing it out, he watches as the white cloudy smoke escape his lips. He had been so lost in his thoughts he could barely hear Johnny, who was quite literally next to him, it wasn’t until he felt a slap in his face when he looks towards the older.

“Dude, you seem out of it… You good?” Johnny tilts his head in confusion, worried for why his best friend looked so… Emotionless.

Again, Mark hesitates. He inhales his cigarette again as his eyes trail off to the sidewalk. Thinking hard about how he was going to go about answering the question. Would he want to worry the latter? Would he want others to know that strong and powerful Mark Lee, was in fact, breaking himself apart? He purses his lips and smiles, shaking his head, but even Johnny knew that had been a lie.

Maybe it was because they were so close, it was almost as though it had been second nature to know each other’s lies. But Johnny didn’t press on the subject, for he knew that if Mark were to deny something and look so  _ hurt _ about it, he would be better off waiting for him to come to him instead.

And maybe that was something about their friendship that the two treasured a lot, being there for one another but not prying information out of each other. 

But Mark knew Johnny could see past it, could see past his forced smiles, ingenuine laughs, it’s almost as though Mark simply lost himself. But he never opened up about why he did, he never allowed anyone to know.

He throws the stick onto the ground and crushes it with his shoe, “I’m going to drink a bit, I’ll see ya,” He pats Johnny’s back and heads into the house.

Johnny looks back at Mark who was rather smaller than his usual chin up and large presence. This time he was slouched, head down and just not himself. But Johnny turned around, taking another puff, hoping his friend was okay.

Mark had people greeting him left and right, people throwing their arms around him, people yelling at him. It was overwhelming, considering the aching in his heart, just wanting to drink till he could no longer feel his emotions. 

He catches sight of the kitchen with drinks all over the counter, he makes a beeline for it and grabs a beer. Without hesitation, he cracks the bottle open and chugs it down, hoping it would cloud his memories, hoping it would take away his sadness. 

He stands alone in the kitchen, the loud yells of some kids outside mixing together with the loud kissing of this couple that were making out against Johnny’s fridge. But it didn’t bother Mark, he just sighs as he takes another shot of vodka he poured for himself.

_ He was spiraling, and he was spiraling bad. _

But he doesn’t mind it, he just drinks and drinks, occasionally takes out his pack of cigarettes to smoke. But no one minded, they just assumed he was just getting drunk and enjoying the party. When in reality, he was broken beyond repair, letting his mind fill up with regret and the thought of the ‘what if’s. It was swallowing the boy up. He would occasionally catch a glimpse of himself in the bottle he was drinking, and even he didn’t know who was the person looking back at him.

But he just drank.

He puts down his shot glass and looks up, eyes closed as he let the bitter liquid go down his throat. Truth be told, he despised drinking but he was impulsive and it seemed like the only way out of that hole of sadness. 

He sighs and opens his eyes, where they land on what was once his boyfriend, lips pressed against his new boyfriend, Huang Renjun from the class next to him. 

Mark felt as though his entire heart fall to the ground when he watches Donghyuck pull Renjun in for a kiss, foreheads against one another, smiling as though there were only them in that moment.

_ How romantic. _

Mark laughs, it was bitter and cold. A laugh that would send shivers down his spine, it definitely wasn’t his usual bubbly laugh that everyone grew to love.

He drops his head down, tears forming up in his eyes, blurring his vision, his chin wobbly and heart aching from the intense amount of emotional agony he was feeling. He runs out of the kitchen, and up the stairs to the closest toilet. 

He locks the door and leaned his back against it, sliding down until he was sitting on the floor. He buries his face in his palms, allowing a series of hot tears to trickle down his cheeks. He couldn’t breathe, it felt as though the world around him was falling apart. A string of muffled sobs that were loud enough to echo through toilet drowned Mark.

He spent so long trying to let go of Donghyuck, he spent so long teaching himself that Donghyuck was gone and their love was no more. But maybe Mark wanted to hold onto it for a while longer, he wanted to remember the happier times, he wanted to remember midnight talks on Donghyuck’s roof, he wanted to remember sneaky glances between classes, he wanted to remember kissing under the bleachers after every soccer practice, he wanted to remember how Donghyuck was his first and only love.

He didn’t stop the memories from flowing into his mind, he didn’t stop the tears from coming out. Because everything he once loved was gone.

_ “Mark!” Donghyuck called out to his lover who waited for him at the school gate. _

_ Mark looks up from his phone to see the brunette running towards him and pulled him into a kiss which the two smiled into. Mark pulls away and ruffled Donghyuck’s hair, “Why are you so perky today?” _

_ He notices the younger stepping back and frowning, “Did you forget?” _

_ Mark couldn’t help but tilt his head in confusion, “What are you talking about?” _

_ Donghyuck expected him to forget, after all, Mark never held onto little things like Donghyuck did. The younger sighed, “It’s our two month…” _

_ “Ah shit! I knew I was forgetting something!” Mark slaps his head dramatically, “I’m sorry, Hyuck, I can bring you out to lunch if you want? I’m sorry I forgot…” _

_ But Donghyuck gave him a weak smile in return, placing a kiss on Mark’s nose, “It’s okay, just walk me home.” _

Mark starts to wonder what would have happened if he were to remember that simple date, maybe he would still be here with him rather than kissing the transfer student. Maybe they would be holding each other close as they listened to their friends talk nonsense with their minds obviously clouded with alcohol.

Maybe if he cared more about the little things he would have stayed.

_ Mark laid in bed, texting Donghyuck as per usual. Donghyuck made him promise that every night they would just text, maybe call if they could. But Donghyuck wasn’t very fond of calling in general, so Mark cancelled that out of their daily itinerary,  _

**_Hyuck <3_ **

_ Are we on for our date tomorrow? _

_ 2:10am _

_ Mark sighs and throws a hand over his eyes, “Fuck,” He just so happened to agree to himmand his friend’s weekly karaoke night for he hadn’t gone in months ever since he started dating Donghyuck.  _

**_Me_ **

_ Sorry, babe, I’m hanging out with my friends _

_ 2:11am, seen _

**_Me_ **

_ Next time okay? _

_ 2:11am, seen _

Perhaps if Mark just cancelled his plans with his friends and just went to the date with Donghyuck, because he knew how much he was looking forward to it.

But he didn’t. And that night he never got a text back.

_ Mark waited for Donghyuck again, at their usual spot, so they could both walk home together. But this time, he wasn’t alone, he was followed by Renjun, the new transfer student with a high iq and flair for art. _

_ Something about the sight turned Mark off, the older just smiled as the two walked up towards him. _

_ “Who’s this?” Mark asks as Donghyuck arrived. _

_ “Oh! This is Renjun, we have art together, he’s really good!” Donghyuck says excitedly, “Oh, Renjun, this is my boyfriend I’ve been telling you about, Mark.” _

_ The Chinese boy smiles, “Hey.” _

_ But Mark doesn’t reply, him simply nods. Donghyuck could tell Mark was uncomfortable so he cleared his throat and looks at Renjun, “Well, I’ll see you around, Renjun! Bye!” He smiles and pulls Mark away. _

_ When they were far enough from school Donghyuck stops and looks at Mark, “What’s wrong with you?” _

_ Mark furrows his eyebrows in confusion, “What are you talking about?” _

_ The younger scoffs and folds his arms, “You know exactly what I’m talking about, Mark. Why were you like that to Renjun?” _

_ Mark sighs and leans against the wall, “I don’t know, I just think you shouldn’t hang out with him.” _

_ “Why not?” Donghyuck replies in disbelief, “You’re just my boyfriend, why should you tell me what to do?” _

_ “Because you don’t even know him! I’m trying to look out for you!” Mark yells, causing Donghyuck to step back a little.  _

_ Mark could see his eyes tear up a little as Donghyuck looked back at him, “Don’t text me tonight.” _

_ And he watches as Donghyuck walks away.  _

Mark starts to laugh a little, maybe the sadness was getting to him. 

He remembered how Donghyuck walked off that day, he remembered how he wouldn’t talk to him for a good week until Mark pulled him out of Calculus one day and apologised.

He starts to wonder if he wasn’t so jealous and stupid, he would have made Donghyuck happier and maybe he wouldn’t have had Donghyuck storming away from him.

If one week felt like hell, how would forever feel?

_ One month after their fight, Donghyuck calls Mark to their usual spot at the park. _

_ Rather than Donghyuck sitting there happily waiting for Mark, he sat on the bench, head low while he fiddled with his thumbs. _

_ The change didn’t go unnoticed to Mark, but he still walked up to Donghyuck, smiling at him as his lover still had his head down. Mark sat next to him and placed a hand over Donghyuck’s, who in return, moved his hand away. _

_ “What’s going on?” Mark asked, confused with what was happening. _

_ Donghyuck hesitates for a second, curling his hands into a fist and sighing, “Let’s break up.” _

_ Mark stays frozen for a second, trying to take in what he heard. But all he could do was stare at the ground. _

_ “Mark, I’m sorry. I don’t love you anymore.” _

Mark knew the moment Donghyuck walked away, that would be the last he would see of him. Donghyuck changed classes the next week because he got promoted to advanced classes. It was as though the world was working against Mark, and it was right to do so.

Mark tried whatever he could to reach out to Donghyuck, he tried to talk to his friends but they didn’t tell him anything, he tried to text Donghyuck but he blocked his number. For two whole months he has tried everything to get Donghyuck back, but nothing worked.

After a while he gave up but he never stopped thinking about Donghyuck, every time he caught a glimpse of him from across the cafeteria he felt his heart sink, every moment he saw Renjun waiting for him at the exact spot he would wait for him, he would recall the times he waited there and heard Donghyuck’s high pitched calls.

But it was replaced with Renjun’s.

He pulls his phone out of his pocket and stares down at the lockscreen of him and Donghyuck.

And he finally learns that Donghyuck was long gone.


End file.
